I DID IT WITH MY SOCKS ON!
Job is the problem. Drinking, the solution.
Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
its 4am and she invited me over to split a 'romantic bowl of frosted flakes'...really dude?...what do you think she's trying to say?...she better not be kidding about the frosted flakes though.
I just really need to get the matching flask to go with my pill box. Is this another step towards rock bottom?
This is most sickening thing I've ever seen, and I threw up my body weight in jello shots on my birthday.
I didnt think the feeling of accomplishment for fucking brothers would be this great.
She had cheddar bay biscuits in her purse. Biscuits, Id and cash. I'm gonna marry her.
Does it make me immature that I debated going to this baby shower stoned, or am I normal as shit and everyone our age are having babies too young?
I snapchatted his face mid sex. Needless to say, I don't think I'll ever see him again.
That's how all the girlfriends are. Oh he's a boy, no worries, then BAM. I blow their boyfriend.
I haven't seen her in probably 3 months and when she showed up wasted to my house she promptly pulled out her tit
I couldn't really understand you because you were really quiet and I said "I don't know what you're saying, it's kind of a big mumble" and you said "that sums up my life"
I can't remember what I did last night, but judging from the state of my hair I had a pretty good time.
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
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