you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
She told me I had to leave by four. We fucked until six thirty and we are the champions played on the way home. Yeah god knew
Someone was asleep on the couch next to us and woke up. We paused and he yelled "gentlemen, behold! Sex!"
They won't let us do straight shots of 151 since that guy lit his face on fire.
Yes. No, I'm basically a superhero but with drugs. I'm robin hood. I steal from the rich (insurance and drug companies) and give to the poor (everyone I know).
Trustme, don't ever look up when you're giving road head. It's awkward.
You forgot the part where I played Slip and Slide with my own puke and fucked up my knee.
So his roommate walked in on us, went upstairs to tell her bf she has found a new use for the rafters & they must try it.
I could fuck to npr.
just got a call from a life insurance sellsperson and apparently our xany dealer referenced us. not cool thats breaking the 4th wall
He's watching Always Sunny and eating refried beans straight from the can.
I'm wearing jeans from 7th grade and drinking a fucking macchiato. This better be a good day.
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
I’m not lawful evil! I do evil things because I want to, not because of the law
Okay I’ll say it... THIS MOVIE FUCKS
That’s probably the first time I've heard Little Women described that way and I love it
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