Pappa wants mamma naked
His internet searches, listed chronologically: sex slave, volunteer sex slave, lava
This chick just checked into her walk of shame on Foursquare... I think I'm in love.
The cop only confirmed I'm .22% Irish. Then I threw up on him.
I left a cheeto on everyone's car trailing to the house i'm at, hanzel and gretel style.
So one buddy got tackled at the urinals by national guard members and was arrested. Another had sex in a port o potty with possibly the drunkest girl I've ever encountered. The rest of us blacked out and won a few bets. So yes, the derby did meet our expectations.
diet's not working. come over. i need someone to fuck the hungry out of me.
The best part about passing out on the floor was the fact that when I pissed myself, I didn't piss the bed again.
This is like the best thing that's ever happened to us. We're getting paid to sit around get high and eat. There is a Jesus
Why would you waste your Ritalin on your children?
I'm done being drunk I wish I could snap my fingers and be sober
I lost my favorite bra in his hotel room. Is it bad that that's the only reason I hope he texts me tomorrow?
I'm really going to need you to stop yelling Campari.
No, you are in the clear. The police officer finally just said "I give up" and walked away.
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
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