i just sent this text using only my big toe
You threw up in a Dixie cup last night. Oddly, you just gained major points in my book for that.
Yo dude either Brian has herpes or he was jerking off to Web MD 'cause I just walked in on him
My biology professor just used the phrase "dick fairy" in a sentence. No, it didn't make more sense in context.
good news. it is gonna rain tomorrow so now I don't have to pay to clean the puke off the side of your car.
Something strange is happening to me, I think I miss hooking up with girls sober
i licked icing off his dick. in front of his sister.
he went to find a bathroom and came back 10 minutes later with a fifth of bacardi, a pack of cigarettes, and two funnel cakes. he is a man among boys.
Come to me. Jacob is confessing his love and all I want is a hot dog. With chili. Not love.
Gotcha. Well, I'm puking and trying to keep down water from a mug that says "love the moment" around the rim. Not loving this particular moment.
Tonight, I'll be cleaning. And by cleaning, I mean drinking booze and spraying everything with Febreze.
Wait an hour then go and untie him. Bring toilet paper and some spare underwear. Want anything from Starbucks?
This might be the worst thing you've ever done.
Really? I feel like I've done worse. Guess I gotta step my game up.
Not to be gross and awkward, but I just had sex outside in the rain on the hood of a lexus
I'm just going to use my debit card. I feel bad buying pizza with the money I stole from my roommate...so I'm going to put it in my piggy bank.
Randomize
