doooooooo herrrrrrrrr
I'm out of practice. be my yoda
put your penis in her you must.
Ok a condom literally fell out of my underwear this morning, i have never been so confused.
Dude I totally just watched a girl put a tampon soaked in vodka up her vag
I need new friends
dressing as green man for st patrick's day = free drinks all night long
I just used a coupon while buying plan B. The pregnant sales clerk nodded in approval.
I'm masturbating to football. This is why I get guys and you don't
As an added realisation of today. If we used the last time I got laid as a conceiving date I would have a two week old baby. It's been too long...
I made $130 by ordering two pizzas and charging them $10 a slice. If they weren't so stoned they might have realized they could have just ordered another pizza for $20.
I'm going to give blood tomorrow. Prepare yourself for pictures and a cynical poem about the heart and its level of tangibility.
I'll remember. Also, I owe you 200 for a pair of shoes that I carelessly bought to improve my spinal structure, to improve my health and ensure that I love to be 300 years old. Like Adam. Of the bible.
On the plus side, I know I'm allergic to latex now. Like really fucking allergic
He told me to tell my ass that he loved and missed it, and even though he hasn't known it long, it might be the one for him
Took my plan b at Costco today, sample Sunday for the win.
Fuck baseball, getting drunk and playing with kittens is the REAL national pasttime
i should probably stop doing things just because i think they’re funny. i’m not going to.
Randomize