I had a dream last night that I was the one that killed Biggie
I think I'm going to start texting all the people that don't want to talk to me
If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
McDonalds has hash browns for only a quarter!....how many u want?
All of them
well considering we left the bathroom with the mirror off the wall, a bloody nose, and clothes all messed up they assume im just a coke whore now..
On an unrelated side note: I shall now attempt to crawl to the bathroom. Where I will lay motionless on the cold ceramic bathtub with hot water pouring over my shivering body as I desperately try not to vomit. Good day.
Dude, this guy showed up with a 40 and stayed for two days. I want that lack of responsibility
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
the parade is in 5 days. put your big boy pants on and come to beer training. time to build your tolerance. i can't have you passing out in a bush with a cape on again this year.
Guess who is playing his new drum set when his roommate gets home to teach her a lesson about binge drinking to the point of being taken to the emergency room?
Lets get real here, ive seen your moms breasts multiple times
I say we start a new tradition. I came up with it all by myself. It's called work out, lay out, black out
On the way out the door to work grabbed the wine glass on the floor left for the ghost of Elijah and chugged it. PASSOVER.
I'm standing on the corner in a banana costume and cape with frozen bananas in my utility belt reassessing my life decisions.
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
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