your drunk exhusband is tryin to get with my drunk exgirlfriend. i think its funny. if you still talk to him dont say anything.
we're not divorced.
She described it as "a squirrel being hit by a hurricane"
DO IT!!! IT MUST BE FATE THAT I GAVE YOU THAT CONDOM!!!!
Today I made a list of everyone I have had sex with...there is more than double my age...
So I called her out for all the gossip she does and she's like "you do the same, bitch"
So I was like "Im classy like the Countess, youre just a bitch like Kim."
Kudos on the Interstate Housewife metaphor.
She showed me her prom dress from 2001, which still had her date's cum stain on it.
Oh, so that's why you call her jizzarella....
No... We were arguing over whose family is more dysfunctional... Then my brother stumbled in and puked all over jakes ugly dog.
She's in the middle of blacking out but is singing Mariah carey songs. Hitting every note.
And why did 3 people fail to stop me from literally getting a piggy back ride from the bar to his apartment?!
Please stop leaving drunk voicemails with your new black/Irish accent.
I woke up and the only 2 bowls I own were shattered on my floor. Pretty sure my hand and tailbone are broken and I have no idea what the fuck happened
I never forget a pussy, even blackout me gives me that memory.
Only a true best friend would remind you to make sure your cucumber dildo is organic
You were out of control then you fell asleep on his lap for 30 min and woke up civil. Way to powernap to sobriety!
So I'm buying milk, bread, yogurt & lube. Not awkward at all
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