I woke up fully clothed on top of my sheets and i didnt even pee myself..so proud.
we went to a bar last night, drank beer in plastic cups. I took pics w/a random kid i pulled into a photobooth & i have easy mac in my purse. I belong here.
i just ate something from under my fingernail. i dont know what it was, but it tasted half decent
A few things for you to consider: 1. Drunk enough that I'm looking up the dictionary definition of Wish. 2. Dictionary.com has new features. 3. Windows is offering me 500 business cards for 5 bucks. 4. I've always wanted a card that says I'm a ninja
We can grow old together and our livers can fail together
u know how some weekends you just wanna go out and ruin a relationship? this is one of those weekends
I should have considered my snorting capabilities before breaking my nose
I pretty much envision me eating a turkey leg whilst fucking you. I have priorities.
I dont even remember coming home... All my stuff is strewn randomly around my apartment... And I woke up at 5 sitting propped up in my bed with just my arm in a shirt
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
You declared war on your ex and then had sex with who you thought was her sister. No one knows who she was but we think your dick might be in danger.
I don't remember, but I believe your goodnight phrase was "nice meeting you, thanks for not macing me"
We didn't mean to put a petting zoo in the elevator.
Hey I'm coming to get my gin do you want a good luck blowjob for your exam tmrw
Randomize
