I'm so hungover, I actually considered rolling down the stairs to avoid walking.
Double fisting Gray Goose bottles. We've officially ruined her.
I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
pretty sure I offered to blow her dad. she's not speaking to me & he won't stop winking at me.
Yes I was being legit. That's the only plant I want in my house. A growing penis.
He just keeps repeating "this isn't my bagel".. i'm worried for his safety
Multiple bruises and a hell of a headache later, I have still to find out where the fuck I picked up the bottom half of a mannequin.
there is a guy passed out on top of me and i don't know what to do. help if you're awake? was anyone anyone expecting someone? maybe he found the wrong room?
she just announce I'm david copper field and tried to shove a napkin down my throat
Hey, I'm renting a storage locker for the summer to keep all my bondage shit in so my parents don't see it. You wanna split on it for your all your weed shit?
I think my favorite day of the week is the day we get to fuck
Yesterday I went home with one shoe, today I go home with three. Fucking win.
You know my vagina and my heart have a mind of their own even when it’s pouring snow.
God, I missed his penis.
did he think i wouldnt notice the naked girl in the backseat
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