no one will drink with you if you continue to listen to beyonce
why do our vaginas work when we are blacked out?? it's just not fair.
I just got my poem back from the prof, there's a sticker of a girraffe on it and it says "you're awesome!" ... How can this even be considered real college?!?
I jerked off enough times today to safely commit to the fact that im not getting laid tonight
it was like i was on a global safari of uncircumcised men
She alternated between blowing me and feeding me bites of the sandwich she made for me.
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
before the moonshine you were already braiding the bouncers beard -_-
Thanks, girl! That means a lot. I can't wait to share my jail stories with you over salad and cupcakes.
Jesus Christ. If I were a normal sex-having person, I'd think I was knocked up. I'm cycling through emotions like I'm in a decathlon to crazy.
Pro: She likes to masturbate to 50 shades of grey. Con: She reads 50 Shades of grey non-ironically.
I can't help that I bring out the sex in people
btw my frat has a search out for you. the "girl who threw up in the middle of the party" but it was on some fat girls. so thank you.
What if for Halloween I paint my self gold and make sandwiches for everyone? I'd be a trophy wife! Get it?
I'm highly inebriated watching star wars, this text was sent via the force
Randomize
