if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
We stole your phone last night, texted your brother and told him you wanted it up the ass by him. All he said was "I want ur money."
Why do fat girls all have such cute faces?
God wants them to get laid too.
I've been meaning to ask you. The first night in the city did we do key bumps with a suicidal homeless man? My memory is fuzzy
the best thing about long term relationship is that the fact that i bothered to shave my legs today counts as a valentines gift
I woke up with cheeseburger in my mouth and a deep sense of accomplishment.
You fuck like a mechanic. That is the universe telling you that is your true calling. Take this as a sign.
I feel like I just rode a horse, did a million jumping jacks, ran a marathon and need a carton on cigarettes. best sex hands down... EVER
I remember three things: you falling down an entire flight of stairs, me stripping out of your Christmas one-sie to do cartwheels in my underwear, and people standing above me saying, "where did that bump on her head come from?"
Also, I was told I kept the antlers on the entire time. I'm deeming last night a success.
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
You tried to bite my nipple like 3 times
NAh son
Just general bites
My boobs just got me out of my third ticket last night
i'm so proud. i woke up to nearly seven feet of basketball player in my bed this morning
you win. again.
I just twinged a muscle in my shoulder trying to hug myself. In the world of loneliness-based injuries, this is a new low for me.
If so I'm coming over there. There's no way I'm having "hello, how are you" conversations with my neighbors on acid
Dude they are making elephants out of dollar bills. I'm way too high for this
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