Ducking stuck downtown...all the fuxkig roads are blixkded
apparently i was offering everyone ambien and shouting, it's only like heath ledger if you want it to be!
i just packed a bowl on a big bird place mat and smoked it in a spaceship with a slide. i love babysitting.
just got tipped $5 to put a barbie in a waffle cone and drip caramel sauce on it while a group of dudes cheered and one took pics. 90% sure they were sober
at some point i feel off my bar stool straight into the arms of a gay guy. just my luck.
Listen, you can whine about not having a "red" wine glass, or you can suck it up and chug it from the vase like the rest of us. The choice is yours.
nah we got kicked outta the bar after the bouncer saw us putting straws up Chelsea's nose to make her look like a walrus after she fell asleep at the table
He got punched in the face, dropped his laptop down a flight of stairs, and broke his roommate's lava lamp, getting all the toxic lava goo everywhere. This is why we don't let him get drunk. And yet here we are.
Is it possible to just pretend that everything we did after grilling up your goldfish didn't happen?
you peed off the balcony at your sisters and asked someone below to catch it with a cup
I rolled over and my thoughts became words and I said "oh fuck not you again" he didn't think that was too kind and asked me to leave
Can I use your baby to go shoplifting?
Right as the plane left the gate the brownies kicked in. I dont think the guy next to me appreciated my engine noises as we took off
Tonight we learned that just because we can fit a Tic Tac in the tip of my penis that does not mean we should.
The whole time you were apparently enduring your pukescapades, I was singing very loudly in the car to Beyonce on my way to get a post-coitus Diet Coke.
Randomize
