dude wtf did we explode in my microwave last night?
idk but i think it had a face
I hate ducks.
What?
they're sketch. like squirrels. squirrels are sketch as fuck.
remember about an hour ago when i told you i was never drinking again? i may or may not be mixing malibu with caprisun. just saying.
i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
halfway through eating me out he goes 'oh that reminds me i have to buy fish for good friday'
She threw her promise ring on the ground, that's when the freak came out.
all i could think about while he was eating me out was how pretty his eyelashes were
Have you ever chugged beers in the hospital parking garage with your mom?
I woke up with a piece of pizza duct taped too my hand and a paragraph written on my chest. Good night is say
We ate our feelings. Then drank our feelings. I feel feminism delivered.
Braid them armpits, sister.
At first I was horrified but then he explained that he shave a "soul patch" on his balls... And I was still horrified, but I went with it.
Shut the fuck up. It's not the end of the world. Now come get your asshole bleached with me or we're not roommates anymore.
I went to BBQ fest on Wednesday and came home wearing a different shirt, so I think I did some good damage.
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
I'm very disappointed that your kitten almost ate my weed cake...
Randomize
