peeing in bathroom at penn station and the homeless man next to me is combing his beard with a fork...god I love new york
Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
i may have used way too many innuedos last night. i scared him off. but really... how could i pass up "stimulus package" and "flacid economy." don't answer that.
So how gross is it that Woopie Goldberg has a vagina? She's like the exact opposite of a boner....
I'm going to show my kids 2 girls 1 cup just to scare them away from porn
Now there are nude photos of that bangin hot Russian spy chick...this is officially the best scandal ever.
Although last time you were unsure about someone they flipped a golf cart on me.
So hungover. They actually hid easter eggs around me.
He's going to regret telling me he doesn't care if i shave or not...
I really care about you, but im still gonna have to make you pay for dinner from the pain and suffering in my knees and vagina.
Some girl took her panties off, soaked them in vodka and wrung them out into a line of guys' mouths! Awesome!
No, NOT awesome. Where the fuck do you go drinking!?!
Text me if something catches fire and I will put pants on
I would literally only have sex with a dinosaur right now.
there's a 50/50 chance the night will end in alcohol-induced rituals of satanic nature
Fuck man, I am really high rn and all I've eaten is different forms of pie
Randomize
