So I'm eating my burger minding my own business, when the guy next to me starts up a conversation. Seemed normal at first, stocks, bonds, etc...then he said...and I quote "I can push a bowling-ball up a flight of stairs with my tongue." As I awkwardly laughed he broke out "I bet you I could bite the head off of a rabbit."
He tried to pick up a girl by telling her about his homosexual experience in high school.
i ran around the party telling everyone that my favorite sexual position was also the only position that made me queef...i kept calling it the "double edged sword"
i just ran into my boss at the liquor store. we didnt exchange words, just nodded in mutual understanding.
...that's why he's not doing anything with his life except breeding geckos
I am seriously considering thanking Macallan 18 in my thesis acknowledgments.
I walked home with an awkward asain couple. There was a language barrier but I think we're friends now.
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
As she was leaving she said "You have an awesome penis, I hope to use it again soon" I need that on a business card to hand out at the bar
do you think they make 'sorry for walking in on you drunkenly jacking of to a picture of me' cards?
You know those creepy dolls that look like they are watching you from anywhere in the room? It was like that, but with his penis...
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
We will walk in fields of dick.
You seriously need to stop quoting those songs when i'm with my parents.
Man, I'm never going tanning again he noticed the burns on my ass
Nope. I'm an adult now. I can successfully avoid to vomit in defiance of the porcelain god\n
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