I'm at the psychiatrist, and this lady is crazy.. she keeps yelling about how her HMO insurance gave her breast cancer? Adderall isn't worth this.
I definitely didn't wake up this morning thinking "i wanna get gang banged today"
stuck in the elevator with that hot guy from the 3rd flood. Worried he can smell my spray tan and desperation
Why are you always at the walk in clinic, Lady Chlamydia?
You're not allowed to make that my permanent nickname.
No. I'm too high for this. I gotta focus my mind for my future Hooter's interview
her wearing orange crocs at the bar was definitely a great form of contraception
Balls deep in an Orange is the New Black marathon. Bring food and drugs.
Got another job?
If by job you mean clever way of getting free tattoos, then yes. I got another job.
We need to make tonight low-budget
Is this your way of suggesting flasks?
Funny how I'm trusting a magic 8 ball I found in the kids toy section to tell me about my sex life
My entire news feed is ice bucket challenges. I wish there was a hide from feed button like FarmVille
5 minutes Isn't even long enough to bring me even close to an orgasm. How selfish. Think about baseball and fuck me you idiot.
My professor just asked for my number. Not fucking her till after finals though I learned my lesson last time.
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
If I look at him, he starts sobbing. Please come get him; he's scaring the cats.
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