I am doing a scientific study and i need a brief description of the underpants you are wearing
Ooooh. That's not a mole. Uncomfortable.
The worst part is I think my tongue cut his penis and now he wont talk to me.
you thought your balls were fighting each other...
Nope, just sitting on the couch, eating an advent calendar, being depressed about the herps.
You started laughing mid-cry and when I asked you said, "my tears taste like vodka."
I want to do something romantic. Like gargle champagne before I put your dick in my mouth.
my head gets it he sucks but my LAME FUCKING HEART IN MY VAGINA doesnt
Definitely a Xanax and Jell-O shots kinda day...except my Jell-O shots are really just a big bowl of a Jell-O shot that I use a spoon to eat.
I'm tripping balls on ambien right now and I still feel that's a bad idea.
Please don't pee your pants in the cab. One more time, and im pretty sure the cab companies will refuse to pick you up anymore
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
I mean, I already put pants on today. We're already halfway there
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
I ate cake in bed. Felt great
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