A woman in the waiting room at the STD clinic told me that she is going to pray to jesus for my penis.
and people in Baltimore still get a bad wrap.
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
Im at the zoo right now high out of my mind and feel as if the animals are watching me and Im the one in a cage.
He asked me if we could throw a lingerie party together so I guess he's single again
Was my shirt on fire at any point last night? Because I'm fairly sure my shirt was on fire.
I've never felt more disgusting in my life. And I'm including the time I snuggled that homeless woman in the puddle of my whiskey vomit.
He is peeing inside and sticking up for himself. Those are two of the four signs of the apocalypse.
In other news it turns out I like Heineken.. In a desert island kind of way
Learn from me. Do not smoke cigs and fold laundry in your room. The cigarette will fall into the dresser without you noticing and your shirts will be on fire. Wanna go shopping tomorrow? I need some new shirts.
That moment during finals day when you either convince your teacher to let you out of the room or you shit you pants.
I have to go buy generic plan b after work. I don't even leave for the new semester for another 11 days. I think I just leveled up in sluttiness
All I got was pictures of my boss and dicks. So, that was the end of snapchat.
I ask for a dick pic and he sends a picture of Dick Cheney. Who does that?
I have done everything sexualally imaginable with that umpalumpa
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
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