u know ur drinking tonight lol i dont know why you try to deny it
but i dont wanna get emotional and drunk text
then give me ur phone
NEVER!!
You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
You know its bad when you can over hear the planned parenthood nurses talking shit behind your back... they've seen everything
I will not fill you in on the details until we get back, so do not ask. I got peed on by the girl I was hooking up with last night.
We attempted to microwave fifteen corndogs in the microwave and may have ruined it. Also there were fake mustaches on all of his appliances...he said he doesn't like drunk me.
She's like a connoisseur of porn. Her collection has things in it I never even knew existed. She even has an Italian batman porno. Where has she been all my life?
I don't really want to have sex with him, I'd just want him in a threesome. Does that make sense?
My ideal friend would be my dog as a drug dealer
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
Oooo. Can we pretend to be Amanda Bynes?
She bought wigs like Disney princesses. I want to be her.
Me and tommy were trying to figure out why our printer was jammed, found a condom stuck in the paper slot. #collegeprobs
He also ordered me a vibrator last week, so the flowers kind of balance it out
This is gonna be the kind of weekend where if it involves putting on pants, it ain't happening.
I just drunkenly signed my mortgage application...
Is this how the global financial crisis happened?
Congratulations! We have a period
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