someone threw a dead crab at me
The best thing happened. Some guy was butchering Conway Twitty at karoke and the power went off in the whole bar. And someone shouted "you pissed jesus off when you messed with conway!"
where does the pee come out of this thing
i was like hansel and gretel. i puked a trail from mcdonalds to our place so i could find my way back in the morning
my advisor is telling us the best way to sneak in alcohol on move in day. I definately picked the right college
You convinced me that eggnog and rum is a great moisturizer.
One good thing about being a mom now, I can tell which guys I'm dating were breastfed and which weren't... By the way they latch on to my breast during sex! Kinda kills the mood.
I may be in the process of acquiring a second male fuck buddy and dating a girl....FUCKING STOP THE TRAIN I'M ON! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!!
He is like a dragon that makes me want to spread my butt cheeks, so he can fill me with hot fire.
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
You're gonna be proud in the future that you fucked the next bill gates
currently buying a pregnancy test while braless so happy november to you too
I didn't want to hook up with him so I just jumped out of bed, yelled "I don't even believe in god!" and ran out of the room
Question for you. Do you want to go out somewhere or do you want to have sloppy joes at my house? That's not a euphemism for anything; I actually have stuff to make sloppy joes
He wants to buy us a microwave. Clearly the man is going to fix my life.
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