My grandpa is talking about laundry and he asked if i could run a "small hot load." Wow. I had to leave the room.
You know its been a rough night when you wake up and the first thing you remember is your mom going skinny dipping.
I love him more than I love myself. Which is a lot...Because I'm narcissistic.
Just washed my feet between classes in the bathroom...Four girls totally judged me...
You came on your own forehead. Just wanted to remind you that.
If I banged a coworker last night but didn't enjoy it can I put it down on my timesheet?
As per my father's affair, married men are no longer off limits.
pain. pain everywhere. this is why throwing yourself at concrete is a bad idea.
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
Lift me 50ft in the air like a tow truck but with your penis
How high are you exactly
I remember you fighting a small man for the last of the pizza. Was there a midget in my house last night?
I did a kegel this morning to determine if I had been penetrated during last night's blackout. Nope.
This Christmas I would like to thank Jesus for cocaine.
Is it a bad sign starting the new year off naked, wet, and alone?
Asking for a friend of course
Plus my parents would be pissed if I spent Thanksgiving in jail... again.
Randomize
