My favorite part of our friendship is your tits.
I didnt pay $190 for a fake with a new middle name of Vane..
Do you ever wonder how many people have prayed for you to be a better person?
You stood up gave the stripper 15 ones in a wad, hugged her and then sat back down.
I'm still not sure if it was intentional, but the chiropractor definitely cradled his balls on my shoulder. He even seemed to adjust the sack for comfort. I think I should be flattered. He is a doctor, after all..
I come back upstairs and there he was sitting in a speedo. He handed me a blanket and said "let's cuddle" how is this real life?
I only think it appropriate to apologize for making out with your next boyfriend. It won't happen again.
Okay I take that back some girl just said pussy sweat. Get me outta here
In local news, attempts to hide phone from extremely drunk self prove unsuccessful for Dallas woman.
If they were bad they leave that night, if they were good they get a gold star, and if they were great they get invited back. Simple.
Dude we just exchanged Zelda related pickup lines. I fell in love at "you can blow on my ocarina"
Don't forget my pants whenever you come over, otherwise we can't get in.
Tanner. All u drink. 10 bckaa. Locked in Porto potty outside. Constructed area. Main strrrreeeett. Fuck. Help. Pleese
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
So there we are, fucking beneath the Christmas tree and I glance up and see one of the local Jehovah's witnesses staring in horror through the decorative glass in the front door. I'm so proud of us.
Randomize
