Like worst hickies ever he always gives them like wtf
so high. i feel like my whole body is a boner
I need you to send me a picture of your dick. I want to forward it to that girl and you and i both know you're more impressively sized
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
A guy is going to be inside me and I'm gunna start singing "I am stuck on your penis, cause your penis is stuck in meeee!"
Pretty sure I'm going to hell because of our friendship
Last one there wins
I am trying to take a picture of a man in a wheelchair trying to ship a michael jackson portrait
you did that thing you do when youre drunk where you rant about bruce springsteen, start hooking up with someone and then pass out midway through
That hot shower felt like it washed away all of my problems... Except being pregnant... Ps just found out I'm pregnant. Fuck.
Between having seen you naked and interpreting your values based on the occasional political FB post, you're no stranger for sure.
She text me that night and asked how the dick was and I quote my drunk self "average at best"
Bruh. He just said the words "cyber sex"-is it 1999?
Nothing cures your heart after a boy calling you unattractive than a big fat dick
Dignity. Ruined. Must. Smoke. Weed.
Randomize
