Why is my head in the toilet this morning but there is vomit behind the toilet
Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
it was like getting a handjob from robocop
I held his ankles while he hung off the top bunk attempting to get my pillow that fell off.
We bought home drug tests to see which of us could make it look more like a kaleidoscope. What happened to the days of innocent fun trying to best everyone with a breathalyzer?
Note to self: last nights makeup does NOT, under ANY circumstances, look good today.
also, the amount of semen in my carpet right now is unforgivable...
You showed up at 4 a.m with two middle-aged men, a 200 dollar bottle of wine, three bottles of beer, no shoes on, and a half eaten red velvet cake.You are never drinking absinthe again.
Who showers for four hours?!
It was like a tropical nap.
my parents have to start far too many of our conversations with the sentence "this is an observation, not a judgment" than I'm proud of
Gonna be hard to top last New Year's Eve when the guy I blew came at midnight
I knew my bag made it because I could smell the fireball that spilled inside of my suitcase before it was on the luggage carousel.
Seriously. If I'd known all it took was a 29 year old UPS guy to make me feel THIS SEXY, I'd have been fucking them for 30 years.
I had sex on a seadoo on the middle of the lake lastnight
You still owe me one bodily function mess clean up.
You pee on the floor one time and you never hear the end of it...
Randomize
