I let some guy put hot sauce in my asshole for his birthday
Package from mother. Contents: Cookies, my old pokemon cards, and condoms. Note: "These have a July 2010 expiration date so give them away or use them with a gal that would be a great daughter in law. Love Mom" Love you too momma
I'm fucking an ugly guy. Don't come home.
well now I have to
My god. We'll be gay porn millionaires.
Just bought a McDouble with a tightly rolled dollar. The lady just gave me a sad face...
We woke up, fucked twice, she drank 3 warm heinekins to cure her hangover and said "Im glad you're still hott when im sober"
The night went downhill when he lit her purse on fire and tried putting it out with vodka
Went to bed with a bowl of spaghetti O's on my chest, I make my own breakfast in bed. New level of laziness
You have not lived until you have drunkenly grinded on your mother. Daughter of the year right here.
I feel horrible. I brought her to your house like a late night pizza delivery and dropped her off.
I was going to say "wearing plaid doesn't make you gay, I wear plaid!" but then... heavy sigh
My greatest accomplishment today was eating a box of Thai food the size of a toddler.
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
Be there in 20. Want icecream?
sex. I want sex. I like where your heads at though.
Just realized how behind i am. Will gradually increase drinking until i don't remember that i missed an entire year of class.
Randomize
