I would have done the walk of shame but I couldnt walk
i'm pissing behind 7/11. if you guys leave... i'll think it's funny too
you'll be glad to know I got kicked off the microphone at a bar in Breckenridge last night thanks to my country rendition of all star
This is like the time you took a picture of your knees and told him it was your tits, isn't it?
I sat on the ground outside wawa chain smoking and telling two strangers about my sex life. I also accepted Rick James Bitch and Celine Dion as their names.
You kept challenging people to a cartwheel contest...when someone finally agreed, you cartwheeled into some chicks face, then tried to propose to her as an apology. Fyi, she said no
We didn't have sex because he locked himself in the bathroom and passed out while he was taking a shit. I cuddled with his cat.
He put himself in the friend zone by calling me dude all night so I blew his friend. Judge me.
if you didn' use the plastic sword on the cop. maybe this wouldn't have happened.
You gotta own your makeout pics Matt. They're like badges of honor
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
If you're doing something that makes your best friend lock you in a bathroom you shouldn't be doing it
Thank you for coming with me today. I find it appropriate that we celebrated my negative pregnancy test with slurpees and donuts.
She said "Im going to hug you" tried to give me a hickey then said her life sucks and started to cry.
I look like a hot mess, emphasis on the hot now, more emphasis on the mess later
Randomize
