Heard it's your birthday. I can't send pictures, but go ahead and imagine my balls.
a stripper queefed in my friends mouth last night and it reminded me of you. miss you
take it from a girl who woke up with a girl in her bed... you were not that drunk.
I am burnt. Have a black eye. Face dove into the grass and got pissed on. Time of my life. God Bless the USA.
I'm about to sell my hamster for weed money I'll call you in a few
So then you challenged the bartender to an arm wrestling contest for a free bottle of vodka
Sweet. Did I win?
Youre hungover arent you?
If I'm going to start compromising my butthole it's going to be for much better drugs than a ventolin
Best part of Friday afternoon drinking? Having ping pong balls thrown into my cleavage.
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
So immediately after we finished having sex she started singing, "The Circle of Life", put her clothes on and then just left. I think I'm in love.
That's why you bone lesbian cage fighters and 45 year olds. To make life less boring.
The fact that I am laying in bed on my stomach with an ice pack on my rump is a clear indication that I am no longer in my carefree 20s
So apparently dinosaur erotica does, in fact, exist.
I got stabbed with a couple of chip crumbs during sex Saturday. Further proof I need to stop eating snacks in bed
He's UNCIRCUMCISED. And it curves. Two things I've never encountered in all my sluttiness and they're both on the hottest guy alive. :(
Randomize
