I'm home alone watching The Hills seasons, eating pickles and drinking straight rye. I just googled "how to make friends". Probably not the most pro-active solution. Help.
The chance that I have herpes may have made me find god
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
so i finally decided to ask her out. she started mumbling, then she puked on me. i think i'll try again when she's sober
We're celebrating his weight gain and arrest.and by we I mean I, and by celebrating I mean getting dangerously drunk
Dude, just be careful. Her invitation for BJ is just a trap for her to stick her finger up your ass.
The highlight of your blackout was when you drunk showered with the garden hose and emailed your boss your vacation requests for the next year.
Cat. Why do you sit on things I need to use.
Because it is cat.
My gut feeling that we had reached a new level of intimacy last night was confirmed early this morning when you sleep farted on penis.
Well get back to your date and give him the ceremonial 1am handy and text me when your done.
the amount of 23-year-old guys who have seen me naked is starting to get a little worrying
you made it your goal to puke in every planter around the union. you got most of them. im proud of you
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
Want to have dinner and we can talk about how my vagina can make you feel better?
Like sometimes I’ll be hangry but for dick
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