i just used a urinal to avoid climbing stairs, i need to quit drinking.
I think condoms have that nasty latex smell to remind you in the morning of how gross you are.
The dog threw up again, this time IN the toilet. I've taught him well.
nothing worse than sitting down ready for a solid porn sesh to find out your internet is out. comcast owes me a handjob
He must have sensed I was about to trade him in...he's really stepped up his sex game
Due to certain anatomical proportions it was less like fucking and more like childbirth.
I just watched my mom get dick on Skype.
That d should have definitely been an s.
Well ill be drunk so just come find me. Its like where in the world is Joey San Diego
Yeah. I made eggs in a microwave. I think that's an accomplishment this week, MOM.
I never realized how you can accidentally go home with someone until tequila got involved.
I'm recreating the you're a wizard harry video with a guy on snapchat whilst having snapchat sex with another... Adulting is fun
I know he works a lot but c'mon man. I 69'd you the first week we boned. Put a little effort in. Fuck.
I'm doing my accounting homework with my vibrator. Guess whose numbers are balanced on the financial statement? This ladys!
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
Randomize
