The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
I was thinking about baking his mom "sorry you found out i was sleeping with your son" cupcakes
Dude totally calling you out on watching when harry met sally on netflix on demand on april 8th.
It got awkward when the girl working at planned parenthood continued to hit on me, after she knew about my STDs.
It's a good deal. He teaches me how to longboard, then we have sex
what is the protocol for being hungover enough to vomit in a potted plant during my botany lecture?
he got mad becuase i made more noise when he gave me a back massage then i do when we actually have sex
Second time this week margarita night turned homoerotic
You can jump from the roof to the pool. Trust me. I have done this before.
You have to summon your inner elephant
Just saw a guy with two baby turtles sneaking into the building
I just fell in love with a beard, the guy it's attached to isn't great but I think I'm going to take one for the team
Definitely just poured my beer into a McDonald's cup so I could walk through Walmart without judgment. 'Murica.
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
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