If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
Just before going down on me she said, "I need a hairband for all of the jobs I'm about to perform."
keep an eye on me. i'm afraid that after a few more drinks i'll ask to borrow his wheelchair.
did you find a tooth?
did you lose one?
I jumped on his cock in 2 seconds flat. Thanks mom for sending me to gymnastics when I was a kid.
Just asking. Could've given you a lap dance in a sombrero, drenched in corona and tequila.
God Bless cinco de mayo
If we go out with the 22/23 year olds we should make t a double date. I don't want to endure the judging looks of the public as I rob the cradle alone.
Finishing last nights 1.5L of wine and beef jerky for breakfast. Work looms, ever the prickly bitch.
Naw, the sex dungeon had to come down so we could build a nursery. Cause and effect really.
who's idea was it to start the NCAA tournament less than a week after St. Patrick's day? My liver needs time to recover for things like this.
I creeped him on fb. I'm about 90% sure I just blew him in the same tux he wore for his wedding..
I would agree. Whose business is it if I like to guzzle vodka by the liter on my of time? Answer: mine.
She's 90% sass and 10% boobs
And I broke things off with Justin last night. Except I texted him while he was asleep and then I was like well, that's probably not what he wants to wake up to, so I sent him a picture of the coconut I microwaved and caught on fire when I was really high one time.
Randomize