im going to have to ask you to stop vomiting stars, rainbows, and butterflies all over your facebook statuses...
Some ambulance just rolled up to this bar and this girl just hops out of the back and walks inside
I love how my cats smell like pot.
she said we were using the spray butter as air freshener
Do you remember unrolling paper towels as a blanket?
There are work activities and non work activities and dunking my head in a bucket of ice water pulling it out and shotguning a beer is certainly not a work activity
Jk. Anyone who everbeers with me is my type.
I don't care how much you're grieving a loss, masturbating off the side of a roof is not acceptable mourning behavior.
While leaving the bar with another guy I told the bouncer I was sad his friend had a fiancee
You were drinking Everclear weren't you?
Yeah, I only wore tennis shoes under the gown. Way cooler than khakis and a shirt, but much more awkward when my parents wanted to go to dinner immediately after the ceremony and my grandmother started to unzip the gown. Stopped her before it was too late, but barely. My dad just rolled his eyes.
I'd like to believe that in some alternate universe we are living this wonderful lesbian life together..
I'm about to take my 7th shot and I have to to go to dinner with my grandma in an half hour. What is my life.
I accused him of not drinking enough alcohol and eating tacos after midnight. I was sober and he's not a gremlin. I would say bad.
If he doesn't fuck you on the 4th of July, he doesn't really love this country.
was that you i just saw walking down the street in only one heel smoking a cig yelling "hello sexuals" to everyone who passed??
HELLLLLO SEXUAL BEING
Randomize
