Turns out "bordello" doesn't mean what I thought it did.
my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
please tell me if i'm home and in my bed
negative
come find me please
Lol i'z typing this with my 962 nose
962=my?
Yeah.i
this episode of spongebob makes me wish crabby patties were real
No way. Our relationship is based solely on texting and sex. A phone call would be too much at this point.
Yeah, all the sudden I heard a loud "ding" and realized I had been passed out on the dorm elevator for about an hour....
She's the perfect storm when it comes to psycho stalkers
There are apples in the microwave and a cup of twigs in the fridge. I think she's hiding in the pantry, I can hear her giggling. Leaving her to it.
I bruised my vagina when I was climbing out of the trash can.
Just remember, Dont make worse choices than american flag pants to your own birthday party
My lunch = taste testing salsas for A&P. They gave me a free 64oz grape juice as a thank you. So, now we have something to drink in the house. So while you are spending all the money on breakfast rolls and pizza for lunch, I'm cigaretteless and whoring myself for tablespoons of salsa and free juice.
Everyone thinks it's an okay idea now until I'm overdoing it on the vodka/clubs, dancing on a table, trying to make out with the groom.
Currently using my kid's computer to charge my vibrator. #thisis30ish
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
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