I think I'm maturing; i was gonna watch porn and then take a nap but i motivated myself to put my laundry in first.
My parents showed me my IQ test from fourth grade, I'm shitting on my potential.
I keep having to talk dad out of putting tequila in the milkshakes.
I thought i'd save money with No Heat November but the amount of whiskey i have to buy to stay warm is probably adding up to more than a heat bill.
My parents just out drank me... I cant get back to college soon enough
first party of the semester tomorrow. thinking of wearing a huge sign that says "my summer was good" to avoid the 67 questions and get straight to drinking
So he was supposed to be helping me with my math but instead we ended up drinking coconut rum in his basement and having sex. I think my mom was right, getting a tutor will be good for me. Relieves the stress.
i just keep picturing us drunk surrounded by kittens.
I don't mean to complain but you could have done a better job of keeping me alive last night
If I had your job the next day id be on the news. And not the good news. Like fox & friends. Nancy grace would have my ass.
I gave him a HANDJOB.
But then he finished from a handjob in under two minutes so who's really laughing?
I went to watch porn and there's already 3 Santa videos. Happy November 1st.
Why did I wake up naked with a leg cramp and and extra $550 in my wallet?
He picked me up in Smart Car with the license plate “MYWHIP.” I think my ovaries shriveled up and died.
It's official we're now working from home permanently. I'm getting paid to have sex and sandwiches. I hit the lottery.
Randomize
