were you the shorter or taller girl out of you two
turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
I just celebrated my ex boyfriends birthday by having more sex than he will today.
This is like a relationship, I expect to be mind blown at least once a week.
she's doing key bumps of parmesean cheese
It's a "party harder or raise your standards" kind if night.
Someone wrote "gnarballz" on my fridge in black marker. I'm pissed, but more concerned I slept with the one who did it
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
I just told a guy I'm a cross of Kim K, Hilary Clinton and a dragon... He was still into it.
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
I don't know. I just have an affinity for nudity when I'm drunk.
How the hell am I supposed to tell that to a group of eight year olds?! It was three in the afternoon for fucks sake!
like don't tell me my baby smooth vag offended you
Oh. Why can't it be something easy, like a punch card for blowjobs?
I melted cheese on my pizza rolls. When I die make sure someone melts cheese on my rolls.
Woke up at 5am in an elevator... Pretty much tells you how my weekend went.
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