someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
the boy next to me on the plane handed me a shot glass, then a perkaset, and told me to have a good week off..hellllo spring break.
I have this strange craving to see a really fat person go down a slipnslide
False alarm I know hes alive because when i tried shaking him awake he pissed his pants and rolled over..
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
He made me hold his dick and say "I solemnly swear that I'm up to no good"
Im pretty sure by the fifth subway ride after going in circles the four times prior, we all just accepted that we werent making the concert and should instead enjoy our magical weed and tequila laced journey.
She was moaning so loud as i walked out of the room her roommates gave me a standing ovation... i think they are next
It was everywhere. My dick was a sprinkler of lost future children.
When you put the phrases "just out of shower" and "did you get the picture" that close together, a picture of hamburger helper is not exactly what I expected to pop up.
the girl whose rug I peed on is here
Just got hit on by a 28-year old, quadraplegic, triple-cancer-survivor redneck. Now updating bucket list to meet newfound standards.
I deserve a medal for being woke up at 6am on my day off by your mother asking where your brother is
Painted a stripper an elf costume. Her coworkers liked it. Now in a room full of naked strippers.
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