sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
I would pay so much money for a video of you fucking a sheep
It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
can your parents tell?
i just had a cookie in one hand and a phone in the other and tried to eat my phone...they know
You've slept with me you know how lazy I am in bed.
I also have a full keg. I'm thinking about crashing a party, they can't get mad if I bring a keg of beer.
Whoever decided it was a good idea to sell 40's at a bar with life-sized jenga deserves a nobel prize.
Don't talk about his dick. That's mine. There's a copyright on it. Use with permission
Ps there is nothing more humbling in the world than havin to watch cheaper by the dozen on the waiting room tv while getting the morning after pill at the drs. Nothing
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
Do you know how hard it is to was the scent of sex from your hair in a gas station bathroom?!
Blood work from physical was all good, apparently heavy alcohol use agrees with me
You can't just be this socially awkward and sexually frustrated and jealous as a fucking demon and be expected to stay sober.
It took 5 bourbons for him to handcuff and spank me and then he cried after sex. The men that like me are so unstable.
I got the security footage. Thank you boobies!
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