Someone shit on the floor
Left for charity run at 5AM. Saw a pigeon eating last night's vomit and a pair of shame-walkers in high heels. Nature at it's finest.
at least you got your priorties in line. new years first, than the baby.
once you get past the part where you think youre gonna die, its the most amazing drug ive ever experienced.
this just proves how much faith i have in "us".. what should we be for halloween..?
Grandpa got a dui while riding a horse. This is what I need to live up to.
I just ate 6 cheeseburgers with some homeless guy. Pretty epic.
As I read your response saying I need a tan before I can become a go-go dancer, a girl cane up to work and gave me 10 coupons for 100 days of tanning for a dollar.
This is fate. You were destined to be a stripper.
You very well can't change your mind now. It would upset the natural flow of life.
It wasnt until i started dancing that i realized i pissed myself dude. I dont think shes gonna call me back.
When you went off to sleep with that guy that looked like a dirty Jesus and I asked why all you had to say "trying to keep Christ in Christmas" and left. The Vatican called, you're going to Hell.
And then I realized my chick friends consist only of sober you, drunk you and hungover you
If he comes over I probably get to fuck him and if he doesn't I don't have to pay him the $60 I owe him for weed. It's a win-win situation.
U wanna come over and watch talidaga nights. Ill make pancakes
What? It's 130 in the morning.
Aww come on i make bomb ass pancakes
that is very illegal...i love you.
Omg, new summer goal: sex in a bouncy castle.
Randomize
