I'm done trying to be a vegetarian. My vagina smells like hummus.
She asked me why there was $2 in the lunchmeat drawer of the fridge and BBQ sauce all over the kitchen... I'm not sure but I know it has something to do with you
whoever threw up in my shampooo bottle is totally getting defriended on facebook.
i tried to stop you. you just kept saying your split ends needed punishment.
I just hotboxed my laundry basket.
She was having a seizure right in front of you, and you asked, "So there's no more donuts?"
Listening to Joy Division and applying for Walmart. You get to choose which one is more depressing.
I just want one of her status not to be about Jesus.
After throwing up in a tequila bottle on my nightstand (still not sure how she did that) she asked if she could slip into something more comfortable.
hey did i steal that bike before or after the ball dropped, casue i might have broken my resolution already
please dont let the old guy in the wheelchair see you when you wake up
Had the longest conversation today with a potentially homeless cuban woman about mind control.
So what's the moral standing on reading gay porn on your phone whilst sitting next to your 87 year old Grandma?
"I made out with someone too, but then he tried to fuck and I played dead"
Also I can show up hungover, fall asleep at my desk, and smell like a bottle of whiskey, and they still like me more then my shitty co worker
I'm at a loss. By loss I mean singing songs from Wicked and pretending I'm at the Oscars
Randomize
