Seriously dude, you need to stop beating off to the ellen show, it's just weird.
she needs to learn to take compliments like she takes dicks.
Martha Stewart would most definitely roll a great joint.
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
I found those 18 whoppers we bought.
It's official, my little sister has hooked up with more girls than I have.
Dude... there's chunks of hair all over the floor, and no one knows how they got there. You guys just made out right?
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
you didn't want to pay for the shots so you negotiated with the bartenders. Apparently 1 shot is worth 5 seconds of motor-boating you.
I have a spatula mark on my ass. He spanked me with a spatula. Take that Rachel Ray.
Duuuude someone spilled hot sauce all over the floor and trailing outside wtf
OH GOD IT'S BLOOD. THIS IS ALOT OF BLOOD.
All I can think about are the cheese it's on my desk at work this morning. Like are those apologetic cheese it's or does he seriously think he still has a shot..
HE'S LIKE A GREEK GOD BUT HE'S FROM BOSTON. HE'S A BOSTON GOD
pray to him
I WANNA PRAY ON HIS DICK
My girlfriend is talking to my ex-boyfriend at the bar right now. I REPEAT, GIRLFRIEND IS TALKING TO EX BOYFRIEND RIGHT NOW. GET ME THE FUCK OUT OF THIS PLAACE
I think you're literally the first guy to ever pick up a chick from pinterest.
Randomize
