in jail i did the beyonce ass shake for the police officers & called Sally from my collect phone in my cell & started singing "im in JAAAIL IM IN JAAAIL",
Ramen noodles and uncensored jerry springer episodes, what a nice life i have.
his internet history is a lot of porn, how to make a hovercraft and side-effects of jacking off too much
i cant believe i hit a parked car with a pink dildo in my mouth... fuckin epic
He compared my vagina to the first time he tried cocaine
We had sex in the bathroom. Then he told me I could watch him pee.
Either he was jacking off or having a seizure next to me in bed. Either way, I was too lazy to help.
Well on the bright side, I only need a sophomore to complete the fuck-a-guy-from-every-year-challenge.
If you were wondering whether I accidentally FaceTime called the undergrad who works for me in lab during a particularly graphic blow job last night, then the answer is yes.
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
Don't ever give your dog some hamburger at midnight. Its impossible to enjoy a late night burger when your dog just threw it up all over your carpet. Gremlin rules work with dogs.
My new dealer is 16. I have been getting high longer than he has been alive.
I don't see the problem
best eviction party ever.
it wasn't an eviction party you asshole, you just happened to get yourself evicted during the party.
It's settled. One of us is going to bang her brother. The world demands justice and he's hot. We'll be the justice league if it were made of alcoholic whores
I made a bucket list last night. Number 5: Will marry a wizard.
Randomize
