hammered. By myself. Accident. Faillll. Snowwwwwy
Just lit a joint with steel wool and a 9 volt battery... thank you 3rd grade science class
Soo I got blood taken today and when the doctor came back with the results she said "you aren't sick but the tests show that you are currently drunk..."
Should I mail that cop his nightstick or just throw it away?
that's why i use the vibrator in the tanning bed. multitasking. plus then my rooms doesnt know how pathetic of a life i lead.
Is percocet and coffee considered a balanced breakfast?
at what point last night did i decided to have a photo shoot with your camel toe
he was very distressed by my statements that there could have been balls on shoulders without awareness
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
Piñatas plus fireworks don't mix well
So what kind of fun pills do we have for the amusement park tomorrow?
I'm writing off my condom expenses in my taxes
I need someone to sew my vagina shut until I'm responsible enough to use it
I remember yelling at him telling him that the strippers were "nice people."
He kept apologizing that the nerve damage makes him take a while to finish. Meanwhile he gave me 3 orgasms and a leg cramp
Only you could benefit from a reckless driver
Randomize
