Needless to say, wine tasting turned into wine chugging
i am not allowed to pick the men i sleep with anymore
pray for me tomorrow cause I have a midterm that I've mostly studied for by watching Bill Nye episodes on the subject...
it was frightening. in my opinion the only thing that should resemble a vagina is a vagina.
as he pulled out he yelled "no kids!" and then passed out on top of me
I always knew I'd be the first one with an STD
That's cause you yelled across the parking lot you wanted to eat her out
You know it's nice having a girlfriend who will lotion your balls for you
Woke up with a text saying "when I get to see them titties again lil ma??" With 8 beads around my neck & an empty bottle of vodka in my arms.
you texted him "it's time for the no pants dance", please get your tubes tied.
Go tell your boss to go fuck himself because you have beer and doritos and zombies waiting on you
if my uterus stops caving in on itself long enough for me to be alive I'm there
I've had more orgasms than showers this week.
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
Randomize
