soooo.. i guess the cop said he'd drop the charges if i go to some AA meetings and i said fuck AA. not one of my better choices.
I wish we could skip the pretense of being normal and just start drinking wine with breakfast
Absolute soulmates or functional alcoholics?
Can't be the first without the last
I was expecting a blowjob when she shoved me in the bathroom but instead she shaved my pubes into a mustache for my penis. I am still satisfied.
I got to the party and found your shoes in a bag of Funyuns. You weren't even there.
I DONT UNDERSTAND NIPPLES. THEY JUST POP OUT FOR NO REASON
Well somebody's had a rough day, nipple-wise
Is it too early to start pregaming for St. Patty's?
We were on the ground in Tampa for 55 hours and we drank for 30 of them.
We won Spring Training 2013.
He looked at me and just said "moist". The entire party shut down from uncomfortableness. He is an anti-party wizard.
Regardless of your intentions, deep throating a Twinkie is NOT sexy. You owe that poor cashier an apology the next time you pump gas.
I'm wandering around outside asking things if they are god
We've had gay sex and pie, the holiday season has officially begun.
On the way home she told me she was in kindergarten when 9/11 happened
Vodka for breakfast. With a side of Frankenberries. Don't judge me.
You took off your shirt and pulled out a bottle of cherry uv and a slushee. That's when I knew you came to party
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