I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
so my car got towed last night. I didnt know it cost 118 dollars to have a college experience
It's like the only way I know how to apologize is by giving a blow job.
hot doctor. gonna get him to touch my tits. 'think i felt a lump' excuse in 3-2-1...
We thought we were getting kicked out but then he started tickling the bouncer. Next thing you know the bouncers giving him a piggy back ride to the bar.
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
The problem with Wednesday evening drinking is that no gets to my level. It's like like a one man party. But it's a goood party.
After I finished inserting the catheter he said he thought my name was familiar. Didn't have the nerve to tell him he was my fifth grade teacher.
He wanted to bang in the work van while we were on shift together. He convinced me with "It's like the Scooby Doo van but looks nothing like the Scooby Doo van."
4:37 am. You're wearing underwear and carpet skates. Borderline crying. You want to punch Morgan. Have not stopped singing Give Your Heart a Break.
I just called the on campus pharmacy and asked the pharmacist to tell me how each one of my medications will react with "excess alcohol consumption". And I'm not even ashamed...I've reached a new low.
He told me that his favorite part about me is hearing my voice while we fuck. I think that was the nicest thing he has EVER said to me.
Worrying about "What smells like cat pee?" is so much easier than worrying about "What am I doing with my life?"
Friend as in 'I used to have sex with her' or friend as in 'I still want to have sex with her'?
Did you take the bag w/your drugs & cookie cutter?
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