dude they were twins that means they were both only 17
i feel like pocahontas...the disney character not from real chance of love
when i came out to my mom, it was over brunch. i was eating a banana. not exactly my smartest breakfast choice.
Why were you having sex on top of my left over pizza in the kitchen?
That bitch ruined vodka saturday
Jail is not for me. They portion control your meals and I don't really like that.
It has been so long since I got any action that I have decided to change my vagina's name from "the chamber of judgement" to "the cave of forgotten dreams".
okcupid is pretty much insisting i hook up with this chick who looks like andy milonakis.
You came running into my room at 4 in the morning yelling "SANCTUARY!" and flung yourself into bed.
Hmmm, sounds like a Jaeger night then. Did I at least get to be the little spoon?
Dude, I passed out on the side walk, lost my phone and shirt, and walked 12 miles home after I disappeared from the club
The cat just walked up and made eye contact with me while I had sex. I'm going to have to burn the house down with him in it.
You were wearing a sequin mini, with Tevas. And you still got laid.
Anyone who does not consider cereal and wine as a balanced breakfast needs to leave immediately.
I swear to god, no guy has been as interested in sticking stuff up my butt as this girl
I’m going to fail his daughter so she stays in my class and I can keep fucking him. BEST. ORGASMS. EVER.
Then you can teach the kid to be a home wrecker
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