I think my vagina is haunted
I'm buying a chandelier at walmart. WHO'S CLASSY NOW, BITCHES.
He was putting purell on my boobs saying "they need to be clean for later." He hadn't had a drink all night
So the weirdest part of it all was he whispered in my ear "can i eat you out on your tredmill?" I dont find him attractive at all anymore
Oh shit. Easter I forgot. Maybe we should leave the illegal stuff for when Jesus is less present.
Bars not open yet, I feel like a desperate alcoholic wandering around outside.
As I was leaving the drunk tank the cop told me he had a feeling we would be meeting again real soon.
Oh I forgot to tell u. I hit someone with my car in the RiteAid parking lot. More like a nudge.
My new roommate just announced that she got her period, popped a percoset, smoked a bowl, and started playing a video game. She says she's not moving till it's over. New hero?
Ugh. Lets go crawl into a dairy-gluten-chlamydia free hole somewheres.
I think this Canadian beach volleyball player might be my soulmate. We could check each other's shoulders for melanoma.
I'm trying to drink up the confidence to run in public.
Hypothetically, I throw a party and my ex-boyfriend and my current fuck buddy are in the same house... what should I do?
How many beds are in the house? Hypothetically...
She’s either doing coke or thinks my cock has the Covid vaccine. Either way I haven’t worn clothes in 3 days
Eh, it could have been worse. I may or may not have been wearing a jedi cloak while getting my dick sucked.
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