Haven't eaten in 11 hrs. I am gonna have so much material to talk about with anorexic girls now
Seriously, I'm delusional. Idk how these models even walk on the runway
You're in luck. The brownies don't even have butter, just vege oil
i can now get sex on a playground off my list of things to do in life.
checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
Fact: Telling a guy he has erectile dysfunction doesn't solve the problem.
We lost the cork forthe wine, so we used a tampon as a replacement. I never loves tampons so much
Drunk off five beers on a Tuesday. I'm not sure which part of that statement is more sad
Sunday was the 8 month anniversary when you shot me in the face...just an FYI.
Also, we just got yelled at by a cop for being awesome...or making out in a fountain. Whatever.
I told him I wanted to "ride him like a show pony" I think he gets the picture
no dont worry i changed into my costume in the hospital bathroom
I need to pay that drinking in public ticket, but I also really want to get a spray tan next week... so priorities.
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
He came on my pillow pet. That's unacceptable. I hate boys.
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
Randomize
