Jesus was obviously not given an itemized list of your sins before he died for them
you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
I'm retiring my vagina. Better yet I'm Farve-ing it.
Def the best call fo sho
That way it can come out of retirement anytime and play for different teams. And it can wear Wranglers.
Upside of a two-day migraine: thanks to a prominent "E" in the middle of every pill, I think we can totally pass off Excedrine Migraine as ecstasy to stupid, drunk freshman. This is totally going to happen. That entrepreneurship course is paying off.
I left him a voicemail saying i went through with the abortion and he texts me back one thing... the bbm "phew" face. really?
She basically needs a man who will never act up and take all of her shit
I'm even having trouble finding a guy who's taller than me with no unibrow.. someone needs to tell her its time to lower her standards
Douche bag was crowd surfing, sack punched him. Crowd carried him away in a ball of agony. LIFE=COMPLETE.
I'm gonna rob all up in that cradle
Can we talk about how i am holding a tupperware container of my own puke in the back of my grandparents car while my sister drives
was I really that bad?
you army crawled across the kitchen floor, turned the cat into "super kitty" and crawled into the dog cage
We broke into her grandpa's pool at 2 am and I held my underwear out the window on the way home.
Sorry i vommed in a cup next to u w out warning.. Actually im not that sorry cuz i didn't spill a drop LIKE A PRO
I am watching xfiles and eating microwaved cookiedough, and I see nothing wrong with it.
I just got free tacos, you would be so proud of me.
Clarification, I got free tacos without performing any sexual favors.
i feel like i got punched in the face....
you did....
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