I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
you have to choose: penises or morals?
He plays me like an instrument...he is the Carlos Santana of my vagina.
It's like, I'm the official vagina for that DJ group
Can we dedicate this weekends marathon sexcapades to all the haters?
we've coined the Sunday morning ritual of taking out our puke-filled trash cans as The Trash Of Shame
I asked him how his night was and he sent me a picture of a bottle of Ciroc with a bendy straw...
She pushed me over. She offered me a shot from her tits. We're good now
people came up our fire escape and one had a cut on his leg and he was beautiful so i told him i was an emt and bandaged it with princess bandaids
My signature move is making guys wonder why they bothered in the first place
If you bring home Chipotle tonight I'll give you an epic bj...ball play and all #datenight
There we go, I shall begin my attempt to achieve whore status today
I legitimately just had to leave work because I am too hungover. The front office ladies keep making fun of me.
He is married, and has a regrettably large penis. I need to find another one right away to get myself out of this mess.
How big does a penis have to be before it becomes regrettably so?
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
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