I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
Im watching someone hooking up in the library
procrastination at its finest
you just started pointing at the light and whispering "star wars"
Literally getting boned by my flask right now. I didn't really think about this whole sneaking past security in a skin tight dress.
I am kinda proud of you, its like seeing my slutty baby take its first step
WHAT DO YOU MEAN I DIDN'T APOLOGIZE? THERE WAS A PEACE OFFERING MADE VIA TACO BELL.
they're both probably 7 inches? or 8? I'm shoving a ruler in my mouth trying to figure it out
That birthday blow job you ordered came in the mail today. I suggest you hurry home.
when I woke up, he was drunk and singing "soft kitty" and petting my face
My guy issues hinge on tonight's game. Caps win, it's Dustin. Rangers win, Josh. I even flipped a coin to see who got what team
After last night I never want to be in the back of a cop car again. No leg room.
I just named someones junk. I should not be allowed to talk to people.
i'm not sure you can trust me in a car with 20 dozen donuts
I refuse to shit my pants for anyone except Cher and Christina Aguilera!
Randomize
