Running into every girl no one would hook up with here at rick's. Typical.
Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
i've been throwing up a lot lately. my guess is hangover but who knows morning sickness is always an option
I rubbed one out into an envelope and mailed it to her. Game point, I win.
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
If someone cleans their bathroom and shaves their crotch for you you kinda have to admit the relationship to facebook
he said i give him, and i quote, "emotional blue balls"
I may or may not have had sex last night then sent him home on a bike with two flats
I need to stop drinking alone, I wrote a love letter to my tattoos
For future reference. Do not congratulate the bar tender at oscars she is not pregnant she has just gotten fat u will get a shot thrown in your face
I convinced a girl making out is a secret handshake
Masturbating during the Olympics and cumming during the national anthem really is everything it's cracked up to be. Just thought you should know.
i'm not drunk or reckless enough to have you track my every fucking move. I AM AN ADULT
So she was on top of my phone and somehow called my roommate while I banged her. I picked up and he congratulated me. I was with his sister. I will take this to my grave.
I couldn't find my contact solution so I thought mixing toothpaste and water would work
Randomize
