1:57 a.m. Where did you go???
1:58 a.m. What are you doing? I want to go home with you, why aren't you responding?
2:11 a.m. Heading back to your place now, will you let me in?
Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
I always feel awkward when im sitting at home watching the price is right and the fat contestant get the gym equipment.
bahahaha. this guy working at subway literally has someone's name tattooed on his arm, crossed out, and another name below it.
When we made out her lip\nose ring fell out in my mouth. Awkward?
When I told my boss I'm using a vacation day for 4/20, he gave me his personal cell phone number and winked at me.
i will trade you pizza and a blowjob for a fifth of vodka.
do i get to eat the pizza while you give me the blowjob?
I've been ignoring his texts cause last night I put him in my phone as 'ignore for atleast a day' and I trust my drunk self.
So, I'm playing the Doctor Who drinking game with my dogs, but they don't understand quite when to drink. Still counts as successful, though, right?
Do you find Darth Vader masks attractive?
I'm sitting here with a heating pad and a fan on me eating snow caps off of my boobs
Also we had sex while listening to fleetwood Mac on vinyl. Like the 70s called and told me to fuck off
Why does everyone always assume I'm fucking their boyfriends?
You are fucking her boyfriend.
I wish I could be the kind of drunk Bobbi is... She stumbles around outside at 4am with a broken high heel and babbling about rainbows and getting dick...
I was like ahh were on two different pages, I know there's rumors of me moving to boston but I can't and I'm not adding long distance to the relationship I have with my 31 year old recently divorced ex boss
Randomize
