Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
U sang "shots, shots, shots" then walked 2 ur top drawer and threw socks everywhere singin "SOCKS, SOCKS, SOCKS!"
Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
So you know that marine I slept with, well his girlfriend just told me I was pretty, I almost feel bad for sleeping with him now...
Dont! You were just serving you country
what part of "i slept with our hot teacher" are you not excited about?!
the part where you beat me to him
fair enough.
so its official, girls can see a boner through my snuggie.
i can't remember the last friday i didn't spend in the foetal position
Get over here. It's an emergency. Just realized I haven't hd my mouth on a penis in two weeks. Get over here.
once you have herpes you dont really care what goes in your mouth anymore.
I am self-sufficient. I puked in a wine glass and emptied it in the trash. Points for style and neatness
4 girls from the bar, me, strip basketball. here. NOW
He interrupted me giving him head to ask if I were hungry, because he wanted to eat pizza. Wtf.
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
I'm thinking my boss switched to all cordless keyboards and mouses so that none of us would hang ourselves in the office.
I was the oldest, shortest, and soberest at the New Years party last night. My life sucks
Randomize
