Omg. Never. Take a laxative the day you are going on. A date.
The only person who has seen my penis more than that girl, is that girl's sister.
I just feel like I should give it a rest. I'm too old to be drinking bottles of grey goose and falling into koi ponds.
I will be your sherpa up the mountain of gayness
I gave up on alcohol forever for like 2 hours, that's got to be a new record
ahhhh just came to creep and you're not there AND your thong you were wearing last night is on the floor..someone has some explaining to do
As its breast cancer awareness month, I'm going to do my part by making everyone aware of my breasts
Just saw some dude tumble down the stairs of the bar while leaving...fist pump...and then sprint down the road
DON'T PUKE iN THE PRINGLES CAN, WHATEVER YOU DO!
I slept with one of the directors so you would get a good price on the ballroom for your reception. I'm the best MOH. You owe me bitch
Ok because I want to set a new world record for how fast I can drink away my Christmas money
Liar. My heart is broken and my boobs are disappointed.
Rage-masturbating and then crying myself to sleep. Welcome to Wednesday.
I am the most hated person in hoboken. Ive been doing drunken cake boss impressions down the street for the past 20 mins.
I can always count on you to keep my boobs honest
Randomize
