I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
Pants 0. Shit 1.
I wish the inside of the tampon box said "CONGRATULATIONS YOUR NOT A MOTHER!"
I'm pregaming for my hair cut. Working two jobs definately taught me how to use my time wisely...
How is it possible that I am in a completely different city, and there are 2 dudes here that I've banged? How????
booty call birthday vouchers, best idea ever. it's like giving a present to myself for someone else's birthday.
I'm making myself a nametag with my contact info and pinning it to myself like a kindergardenter in case I get lost when I black out on Sat.
Can we laminate it? Just to be safe.
She carried my bag of puke down the aisle and the flight attendant wouldn't move the beverage cart so she put the puke bag in the flight attendant's face and said "I have a bag of sickness!" I've never seen a cart move that fast.
don't get you morals all over my torrid fantasties
The spark has left our relationship. i used to make slightly inflammatory jokes at you. you would retaliate in jest. look at this. look at what is happening here.
I just realized my new apartment is at the corner of Patrick Henry and Mary Jane.
Give me weed or give me death?
Mike passed out early so we kept filling his mouth with redi-whip and letting the dog lick it out, but he started getting hives so we stopped.
he's the kind of guy you give a fake number to and he still finds out your real number anyway...
My eye was non-stop itchy for like an hour... I thought burying my face in your ass caught up with me
I wasn’t trying, but work got a lot easier and more fun once he starred flirting with me and looking at my ass
Randomize
